SITC - Week One, St. Nicholas

Sunday:
I drove up early to meet with Deacons Pam and Diana about the week, stopping on the way to get a GRE study book. Thomas and Rachel met me for a picnic in the park, where some lady said she was hungry and asked for our food. So we gave it to her. I gave Thomas and Rachel a quick tour of the Cathedral, and then they left and I went to my meeting. While in said meeting, I was informed there was no air conditioning on the third floor where we were staying because it had been blown out by the storm a few days prior. Uh oh. So we got all our ministries together, and then me and Kristen (the other intern) went shopping for food at Fiesta (our grocery store) for the week. As we were heading back we met the lady who asked for our food at lunch, and she said she had seen Jesus in us, and she hadn't seen that in a while. She also wanted $4 for the boarding house down the street. So after getting all of our stuff in and settled, the group from St. Nicholas arrived. 14 kids and 2 adults. We moved in, and went to this amazing bilingual Eucharist they have at the Cathedral called Unidos. The songs are in Spanish, and the Eucharist is in English. LOVE it. We even sang a rendition of the Lord's Prayer in Spanish set to the music of Sound of Silence. Really wonderful service. Then we had some dinner, and after that, proceded to have a tour of the Cathedral, do rules and covenants, say Compline and then move all of the kids mattresses down 2 flights of stairs to sleep in the great hall, which was air conditioned. Me and Kristen slept on lawn chairs. Woo!

Monday: We woke up early to move everything back up those two flights of stairs, said some morning prayer, ate breakfast, and went to work with Bishop's Camp. We set up the library, read with some of the groups, and had art, P.E., board games, math, and all sorts of fun, they ate lunch with the kids, and spent all afternoon with them. Well, that afternoon we were supposed to go to a ministry. However, the person who planned all our ministries was called away suddenly, and left us without contact information. We tried calling the group, but no one answered, and when someone drove over there, no one was there. They were also supposed to provide us dinner. So, impromptu, Kristen and I went shopping for dinner, made it ourselves (with the help of our wonderful Cathedral friend Lucy, who's a chef), and pulled a ministry out of thin air. I had brought craft supplies with me, so we made place mats for the Kairos prison ministry, and wrote letters to soldiers. It went really well. That night they worked on their skit, and then we said Compline and went to bed.

Tuesday: We woke up, said morning prayer, ate breakfast, and preformed the skit at Bishop's Camp. Then we went at worked at the community gardens at Our Savior Episcopal Church in Dallas. We harvested 63 pounds of food! It was so cool. And then we took the food to Buckner Crisis Center to donate. After that we came back to Bishop's Camp, ate with the kids and spent the afternoon with them. We had some "Turtle Time" (Nap Time), bible study, evening prayer, dinner (by the Cathedral Choir, who preformed as well!), and working on skits again, Compline, and bed.

Wednesday: Same morning routine, skit, and we spend all day at Bishop's Camp today. Afterward, we had bible study, some Pizza for dinner, and then went to serve dinner at Austin Street Centre (a homeless shelter). The kids did great, and there was this amazing 4 year old little girl who worked with us who wanted to help becuase these people "didn't have any toys". She worked so hard too. And the kids were awesome. Then we came back home, worked on skits, Compline, and bed.

Thursday: Morning routine, skit, and - Surprise! - meet the Bishop! I was able to set this up on Wednesday (so scared), and the Bishop gave the kids a tour of the Diocesean Offices, and let them ask him questions about being a bishop. It was wonderful. After that, we went to Manegait Theraputic Equestrian Center, and cleaned tack, washed mats, and pulled grass! It was hot and sweaty work. Then the kids got to learn how to groom a horse, and fed them carrots. We then returned home for stone soup night, where the kids learn about a minimum wage family's budget, and then have to cook a meal on that. So the 14 kids got $14 to make a meal for all of us (18 people) + plus guests. (there turned out to be three guests, we always invite people, so Matt invited his wife and two small children.) They did a great job. Then skits again, bible study, Compline, and bed.

Friday: We woke up, cleaned, did a skit, went to Eucharist (with the Bishop!), and then packed up and left! When I got home, I ate, and slept for most of the rest of the day. Working 8am to 10pm is tiring.

And also Saturday: Saturday I woke up, worked a little around the house, went to Medieval Times with the family for Fathers Day, and went to see the Proposal with Rachel, Thomas, Kristen, and Kristen's sister Bethany.




Memorable Quotes: "Kool, and the gang." "Don't confuse soup love with real love." "Focus: Even if it's shiney."

How My Day Went

So my mom is out of town for a few days, and she put me in charge. Here's how today went:

Characters:
Nicole - Sister, age 20
Joe - Brother, age 19
Matt - Brother, age 19
Brandi - Sister, age 11 (Functions like a 3 month old)
Jeremiah - Nephew, just turned 2 (Nicole's Son)
Joshua - Nephew, 6 weeks old (Nicole's Son)
Marian - Brandi's in home caregiver.

Wake up at 5:30 in the morning - Nicole set the house alarm and didn't tell anyone, so the alarm went off when my dad let the dog out. Also realized that she wasn't sleeping in the den doing respite (listening for our Brandi's alarm) like she was supposed to, so I drag my pillow in and sleep for a few hours on the couch to listen (she sleeps with pulsox and CPAP machines, because she stops breathing at night sometimes.)

Wake up for real at nine to start Brandi's breakfast by feeding tube. Listen to Nicole waking up, talking on the phone. She lets Jeremiah run around while she gets ready for trade school, and he gets into everything. Try to direct Jeremiah's attention to productivity rather than distruction, pick up crying Joshua. Neither has eaten, or been dressed or changed.

Get Brandi fed, give her 8 different medications, change her diaper, get her dressed, get her in her wheelchair, start a breathing treatment.

Nicole leaves at 11, just as Joshua gets hungry. Jeremiah hasn't had breakfast. Listen to Joe complain about something while he watches me try to appease the three babies. Make Jeremiah breakfast, and the baby a bottle. Nod and "mhm" to Joe. Feed Joshua as I watch Jeremiah. Change Joshua's diaper. Put Jeremiah in time out for disobeying. Brush Brandi's teeth, wash her face, brush her hair. Fight with the two year old who's testing me some more. Baby's crying, so put him in the sling around my shoulder. Jeremiah won't throw away his trash. He does finally. Play cars with Jeremiah while holding the baby. Put Joshua down so I can fight with Jeremiah to change his diaper. Take Joshua and Jeremiah outside while listening to Brandi right inside the door.

Go inside, it's hot. Lay Joshua down. Lunchtime now, turn the TV on so Jeremiah will watch Calliou while I make lunch. While Jeremiah's lunch heats up, change Brandi's diaper, lay her down, start her lunch by feeding tube. Give Jeremiah his lunch. Hold Joshua because he's crying. Jeremiah's done with lunch, clean him up and the mess he's made, fight with him about cleaning up his toys, more time out. Nap time for Jeremiah. Change Jeremiah's diaper. Crys about TV off, back to bedroom, read a book, go to sleep.

Come back out. Finish Brandi's feed, change Joshua, feed Joshua. Matt emerges from his room for the first time that day. Lull Joshua back to sleep, Nicole gets home.

Marian arrives, so around 4, Nicole has her kids, and Marian takes care of Brandi.

Realize I haven't eaten all day, grab a bite of leftovers in the fridge.

Pick up car from car repair, shower, pick up pizza for family, eat pizza, watch big storms move through (tornado warning). Clean up the yard and tree branches. Watch movie with family (Alvin and the Chipmunks).

Crash.

I don't know how my mother does it.

I'm still excited to have kids someday, but that day will not be now.

A Memoir

My Journey Through Trypanophobia.

Well it’s a long story, and it starts when I was very little. All kids seem to have a dislike of needles, and many cry and scream and throw tantrums when forced to deal with them. But most people grow out of it and realize that you can dislike needles and still deal with them in a mature, responsible way. I was not one of them.

I remember as a 3 or 4 year old being held down to get vaccines. My memory shows the room to be large, gray, and foreboding – but that could be my mind filling in some assumptions. My mom put me in her lap, and held me in a death grip as I screamed, and I remember crying all the way home afterward.

Then when I was around ten, I have another memory, this time of getting blood drawn. I cried and cried, but was fairly responsible (the only time I remember acting this was until just now), and I let them draw my blood. However, I got a bruise almost the size of my arm, and that was the last time I willingly let anyone near me with a needle.

When I was twelve I accidentally got my hand slammed in a car door an needed stitches. Because the used a needle to numb it, I cried and screamed so hard that the four year old in the emergency room next to me came over to give me a stuffed animal (it was a penguin), because she felt so bad for me.

When I was tested for Rheumatoid arthritis at age 15, they needed a blood test, so my mom took me to Quest Diagnostics, because all they do is draw blood, so they’re good at it. I cried at home before I was dragged to the car, I cried in the car before I was dragged into the waiting room, and when I made it there, the receptionist decreed that I had to drink several cups of water before they dragged me any further because I was so pale. So I drank water and cried in the waiting room before they dragged me back to a chair. They called back their best phlebotomist - person who draws blood – because they could tell I was a challenge. Cornered in the chair, I sort of became violent, and wouldn’t let anyone near me. After my mother conferenced with the others, in my mind vicious vampires out to get me, they decided to take me to a little room to lay me down. Naively, feeling dizzy by this point, I agreed. Only once they laid me down, my mother grabbed both my arms and held them against the table while the phlebotomist got the blood he needed. This brought back memories of when I was three or four.

I’ve been to Africa twice and Peru once, and all three times almost didn’t go because of the shots that were required. (I had to be dragged in and nearly scarred both by parents by my hysterics and how much of a fight I put up.) After my mom tricked me into the doctor to get a vaccine I needed for college (meningitis maybe?), I wouldn’t look at her or speak to her for ten minutes. I love my mother deeply, and that is the only time in my life I’ve felt that deep sort of rage.

When I had by wisdom teeth removed when I was 16, I cried no because I was scared of the surgery, but because I was scared of the IV anesthetic. Because I was hysterical, they put me on high doses of nitrous oxide (laughing gas) to the point I was so relaxed I’m not sure I could even make a fist. But tears were still streaming down my face as I begged them not to put in the IV. Thankfully, it worked fast, and I was asked to count backward from 10. Ten, nine, eigh……..black. Then consciousness again. “I E IE OW?” My first memory upon waking up, and the first thing I tried to communicated was, “Is the IV out?”, but I don’t think it sounded like that because I couldn’t really feel my face. After several more attempts, someone understood my question, and responded “No, the IV’s not out yet.” Black. I think I passed out again, out of fear and despair.

Then, after I turned 18 and was preparing to move to Oxford, England for a semester, I realized something. If something happened to me, and I was conscious, I would refuse medical treatment if it required a needle. I would rather be hit over the head with a large blunt object than willingly allow someone to stick a needle in my skin. And I knew this was a problem. 1. Chances are at some point in my life I would need to deal with needles in my life. At high risk for Rheumatoid Arthritis with a confirmed Osteoarthritis diagnosis, those changes went up even more. So, I decided I wanted to overcome my phobia.

As a college student, I decided to try the University Counseling Center. They had been recommended to me my freshman year by my psychology professor, Dr. Beck, in whose class I came to realize not only could my fear be a legitimate phobia, but that people can get over them.

As Wikipedia says, “A phobia (from the Greek: φόβος, phóbos, "fear"), or morbid fear, is an irrational, intense, persistent fear of certain situations, activities, things, or people. The main symptom of this disorder is the excessive, unreasonable desire to avoid the feared subject. When the fear is beyond one's control, or if the fear is interfering with daily life, then a diagnosis under one of the anxiety disorders can be made.”

I understood that my fear was irrational, and I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just make it go away. In general, I’m a pretty self-aware person, and have pretty good control over my emotions and reactions. But for some reason, my fear of needles wasn’t something I was able to control. My phobia had in some way started to define me, and I didn’t like that.

When put into a phobia inducing situation, my heart rate would race and plummet, I’d get lightheaded and dizzy, sometimes disoriented. I lost all logic, and reverted to fight or flight, sometimes both at the same time. Basically, I would have a panic attack.

I looked it up online, and first I found a name for my fear – Trypanophobia. Defined by Wikipedia, “Trypanophobia is the extreme and irrational fear of medical procedures involving injections or hypodermic needles.” Yep, that’s what I had.

So now we’ve come to counseling at ACU’s University Counseling Center. I started therapy in the fall of 2007. I had to take a break because I studied abroad in Oxford the spring of 2008, but I resumed therapy with a different therapist (because grad student therapists don’t stay all that long) when I got back in the fall of 2008. I continued therapy weekly through that fall, and in the spring of 2009 met monthly.

In therapy we went through systematic desensitization. Basically, I made a list of the levels of my fear – thinking about needles, being in the room with a needle, watching injections on TV, watching them in real like, having an injection, having blood drawn, ect. – and then, step by step we moved up the list. My list was more detailed than that, because the more detailed the better, but not necessary to get the point across. Before we started, I learned some very, very helpful relaxation techniques that I practiced quite a bit, and little by little, I started to train my body and my brain to have a relaxed response to the situations, instead of a phobic one.

We also dug deeper to discover the root of the phobia, and learned that for me, part of it was a control issue, and that to help that, when I was in situation at a doctor’s office, I needed to communicate to them what I needed them to do to help me through this. For me, that was asking for a few moments if I needed to relax, and having them walk me through all of the materials and steps they would use beforehand (this is the alcohol swab, here’s the needle, this is what I’m going to do).

So fast forward, a year’s worth of therapy later, I’ve reached the end. All that’s left to do is prove I’ve overcome my fear. I went in to the doctor’s to get blood drawn, and an IV treatment to help with the arthritis. I told them what I needed, focused on relaxing, and my hours and hours and hours of therapy were successful. I had a few tears roll down my face from stress, but I didn’t fight, I wasn’t mad, just a little bit stressed. It went so well, and it really wasn’t so bad. (Tearing off the tape that held the IV in place hurt much more than the needle, and I’m not scared of tape.)

The next day I went to the dentist. I went by myself because it was just a routine cleaning. However, they found a cavity. I’ve had a minor cavity before, but I convinced them to fill it using only topical numbing, and not the needle. This time though, it was between my teeth, and the dentist said he had to use the needle. I decided not to call my mom to have her come hold my hand, because I was convinced that I was recovered from this fear, and I could handle it like a responsible mature person. And I did. It was fine. And I no longer have a phobia of needles.

Granted, I’m not a huge fan of needles, and I don’t think I ever will be, but that’s okay, because now I can handle them. My first encouragement to someone dealing with a phobia is that they’re real, and just because you can’t deal with it does not mean you’re a wimp. People in my family thought I was just being a baby about it. I wasn’t – there really was some irrational fear that overtook all my rational thought when I was put into situations with needles. But secondly, moving past them is possible.

I never, ever would have imagined allowing people to stick me with needles, for any reason, without attempting first to put them into the hospital. I never could have imagined before therapy that I could deal with needles without sheer terror and an absolute panic attack. But I can. And I have. And I will continue to maintain my recovery, understanding that just as ground can be gained, it can be lost, and I refuse to go back to the way I lived life in fear of needles before.

My Past Few Days

It's been an eventful few days. My junior year in college is over, now I'm a senior. In the last week I moved home, went back to Abilene, and then came back home. I also successfully overcame my phobia of needles with getting blood drawn and an IV treatment on Friday (my mom was with me to hold my hand, but I did so well). The IV room at the doctors office has big windows that overlook a nice little pond and woody area, and there was a bird there that kept trying to get in and in the process kept flying into the windows. Saturday I went to the dentist, and had a cavity. Because it was on the side of my tooth, they said there's no way they could do it without a shot. So, by myself, I dealt with needles again. And success again! So exciting.

Today, I slept until late afternoon, and then went to the farewell church service for my priest, Fr. Rob. It was a wonderful service: we sang the psalms, did evening prayer, Nate (my old youth minister) preached a wonderful sermon on obedience (Love doesn't let alone.), and I got to reunite with high school friends that I hadn't talked to in a long time. We talked about the raffle (waffle waffle waffle), being God's favorite because I always won the raffle, how much DDYC changed becuase of my innecent voting mistake, our knome - Rabbi Finklestein, argued the age old argument of whether the corner spot is mine or Andrew's (it's mine), and I discovered that Andrew can hold his own in a conversation about communication theory and rhetoric. Pleasant surprise.

But it's been an eventful few days. Wow. Let's see how this summer goes.

To Be Noteworthy

So, I set a lot of goals for myself. Thus far I've not been very good at keeping them.

I need to eat breakfast every day, take my pills, workout, and have quiet time.

These are all good things, and I'm still working at being consistent at all of them.

And I will continue to work to keep them.

Additionally, I've decided that I want to do at least one noteworthy thing every day.

Perhaps that means doing something adventurous and out of my comfort zone, maybe it's a random act of kindness, or it could be something accidentally really cool.

But noteworthy.

And I want to keep a journal of it, so on days when I feel like I don't accomplish everything, I can look back through this journal, and feel like just maybe I make a difference, even on a small scale.

I want to really live my life, not just be alive.

Part of that is my first list of goals which help me to be a healthy and whole person.

The second helps me step out of structure, and into the messy, random, crazy world around me.

That's my challenge to myself. So there.

Now I'm off to buy a journal...

(P.S. I still can't comment on other people's blogs. I don't know why.)

End to the Silence.

Well, I've been mad at blogger. Mostly because it doesn't like me, and for some reason, won't let me comment on anyone else's page. Lame.

However, I've decided to give up on my vow of silence against blogger, mostly because blogger didn't care.

So here I am. Early in the morning. I've had a Dr. Pepper, and because of giving up caffeine, I'll be up all night. Woo!

So I'll be spending my evening with I.A. Richards, Richard Weaver, and Kenneth Burke. (Modern Rhetoricians). AKA - writing a paper.

But here's what I'm thinking:
There are a lot of things I need to do. Goals I've set for myself, that I'm not achieving.

My life is only going to get busier from here on out, so maybe blogging will help to keep me accountable. Perhaps.

I'll try at least.

Self

Self.

In seems so many times that I chase myself, searching for the essence of who I am. Trying to cement my being, box it in, make it definite.

I try to hard
To discover who I am,
Only to find
I've changed again.

I think I've found that my self is fluid.
It morphs and remolds itself constantly.

Perhaps my self is like a kalaidescope. Movements and influences outside its control change the way it looks, while not changing its being. Different situations bring out different colors and patterns, yet the different images come from the same kalaidescope.

Perhaps it is better to focus more on being aware of my self, changes and all. If I can rest in where I am, I can better understand how to get where I want to be. At least I think. Certainly I hope.

And then there's a problem. With this fluid self that is complex and changing, how do you communicate that self to others? Surely there is a core, and essence or our being. But can to convey that to another person by the standard NAME/MAJOR/CLASSIFICATION introduction? Can you convey that by your interests, your family or friends, your economic status, gender, race, or favorite color? Can you convey your essence by your appearance, or even your hopes and dreams? What is it that makes us...us?

Perception: even if or when I think I've got my self figured out, I cannot control how others perceive me. Their perceptions and subsequent judgments or stereotypes can play a role in further shaping who I think I am.

2 Corinthians 3:18 says that we are "being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.".

Being transformed. A fluid process of changing self. Allowing our selves to be molded by God.

As Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

As for discerning his will, one of my favorite verses: "(for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true)" -Ephesians 5:9

Being transformed.

We are always changing. Hopefully, we are changing for the better, being transformed into people who walk deeply with God, allowing Him to continually mold us, and shape us.

Because it's in God that we find our real selves. Only in Him can we really be fulfilled. Only in Him will we discover who we were created to be.

I am being transformed.

Hopefully I have a life again. *crossing fingers*

No lie, I just knocked on wood. I promise, I really did.

I'm so tired of being busy. I want peace in my life, and I have yet to figure out how to be busy and peaceful at the same time. There's always something more to do, and every time I check one thing off my to-do list, two more things appear.

But hopefully the worst is over.

And hopefully I can regain my creative outlets.

Maybe I'll take to painting polka dots. Or learn to do a cartwheel. Or play softball.
Maybe I'll finish my crochet projects and start the ones I really want to do.
Maybe I'll cook more.
Maybe I'll work on the miscellaneous crafting I want to do.
Maybe I'll do homework.
Maybe I'll blog or edit pictures.
Maybe I'll even take more pictures.
Who knows.

Hopefully I'll be creative in my dreams, and after that be creative here.

Baby See, Baby Do.

So I just have to share this picture.
That is me, eating dog bones with the dog.
As my parents laughed (I'm sure) and took pictures.
All in all it's a great picture though.

A Hiding Place

The music playing in the background swims into my sense stream, joining the flurry of sensations. Memories from just a few moments ago to many many years ago flow in and out of each other molding into a thought stream of my life. Like the slow-mo version of your life flashing before your eyes. As I look forward, it causes me to look back.

As a child, when I was angry or upset or frustrated or sad, I would go to my closet. Because I'm the opposite of claustrophobic and small places make me feel safe, I'd bring as much in my closet with me as I could. And sometimes, after fuming or crying, or whatever I needed, I would fall asleep. I felt safe there.

That's when my parents took this picture.

I was probably seven or eight.

In my journey to become an adult, I think the scariest thing is the lack of a safe place. Everything is different - the places I live every year, the people I meet, the classes I take. What used to seem unchangeable now changes really, really fast.

There's a prayer in the service of Compline (prayers at the end of the day) from the Book of Common Prayer (Anglican Prayer Book) that reaches out to me: "Be present, O merciful God, and protect us through the hours of this night [or day], so that we who are wearied by the changes and chances in this life may rest in your eternal changelessness; through Jesus Christ our Lord. AMEN."

While I miss my childhood hiding place, I know that I really only feel safe about it because it's in the past. The problems I faced as a child, though minor, seemed big then. I hope the same is true for today, that though some things seem big, they will work out, some way or another, and I'll realize that I've always had safe places to turn.

What is your safe place?

Favorites

So this is a post about favorites. It does not really apply to anything, except that I felt like thinking about my favorite things, much like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music. Like raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Except not that. (Warning: this could be a visually over-stimulating post. You are now fairly warned.)

So on to some favorites.

Abstract Artist:
So, I'm not really so much into the abstract art movement. In general. However, one abstract artist - I love. Wassily Kandinsky. Something about his paintings connects with me, which I didn't really think would happen with abstract art. I'm still skeptical, but I do like his work.



Small furry breathing thing:
My cat who has just now forgiven me for leaving him to go to college, just as I leave again.

Photographer:
Okay, so I have a lot, I really like photography, but Ansel Adams is really awesome.


Christmas Song:
Thanks to Paul for enlightening me to this wonderful song and group.
Straight No Chaser - 12 Days of Christmas


Random Collectibles:
Willow Tree figurines, or whatever you call them. I'm trying to stop collecting random things, and haven't yet started to collect these, but it's tempting sometimes. Thus far I've resisted, but if I do decide to collect something again, it'll probably be these.

Obscure Old Testament Passage:
Yeah, I like a lot of these too...but this one's my favorite at the moment:


(The photo and the editing are my own.)

Comfort Food:
Kashi cookies or frozen fruit.

Type of plant:
Bonsai Trees. I'm a little bit obsessed. Just a little bit though.

Some thoughtful posts will come later. I'm thinking of maybe some random trivia at a later point as well. Thoughts?

And just so I don't leave without saying anything interesting, I've been wondering about this: I very much want to simply my life, and rid myself of my inherited pack rat ways, but like all bad habits, have been finding the pattern hard to break. I know my life would be calmer and more relaxed without clutter, but I have a hard time clearing it out sometimes. They say that our homes or personal spaces reflect our souls, and vice versa. And I believe it. I feel sometimes like my soul is kinda cluttered, and needs some cleaning out, as I just keep putting stuff in, and not organizing well or cleaning things out.

So think about that - do you think it's true? Do our souls and spaces relate to each other? If they do, how do you go about changing things?

Hodgepodge of Five

1. For a long time I've been doing pretty well with the diet suggested to me by my D.O. (Doctor of Osteopathy). This diet, among other things, consists of no white processed flour, no sugar, and no caffeine. However, tonight, as I was shopping at dinner time, and hungry, I bought a package of Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate with mint filling. Let that be a reminder, never go shopping by yourself when you're hungry. It doesn't end up well. However, I should get back on track with my new food processor and blender (yay!) and my plan to make blueberry muffins from scratch with wheat flour (we'll see how that turns out).

2. Have you ever had a mood you just can't describe accurately? I had one of those moods, and then had it play out in front of me. So here's the story that describes the mood: I was out watching my nephew play in the front yard when a school bus pulled onto our street. It was big, and it made a lot of noise, and he's only 20 months. When he saw the bus come toward us, he turned toward me, his eyes big and worried, and ran up the sidewalk, grabbing my leg for security as the bus drove up. I have felt like that recently. Life looms at you and makes some scary noises, and I wish I was small enough that I could hide behind the leg of someone who would make it all alright. (Granted, I know that I can turn to God, but he never promises to make it all alright, just that He'll be there no matter what.) Sometimes I wish all of my hurts could be fixed with a hug and a kiss, like the problems of my sweet baby nephew.

3. Speaking of children, I'm in search of a Children's book. All this semester in school we studied the DISC personality model (Dominant, Influencing, Steady, and Cautious) it just recently hit me that one of my favorite books as a child was based off of that model to help kids figure out their personality. The book is The Treasure Tree: Helping Kids Understand Their Personality. I remember a little about the book, which follows the four animals - Lion, Otter, Golden Retriever, and Beaver - on their adventure to find the key to the treasure tree. It turns out that the key is made up of four small keys, and each of the animals needs to find one. Conveniently, each key is achieved by using the best of each personality, and then the keys are put together, teaching kids that the personality types worked together. I remember as a child knowing my favorite animal, and then realizing just in the past week that it corresponded to the personality style I have now.

4. Since realizing that, I've also decided to start collecting other Children's books that I someday want in my children's library, like:
Brown Bear, Brown Bear,
The Giving Tree,
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day,
Dr. Seuss Books,
The Very Hungry Caterpillar, and
Goodnight Moon.

These books are particularly dear to me, because reading was my favorite thing as a child. These were some of my favorites. What was your favorite thing to do as a child? Has any of that nostalgia come back yet?

5. Also, I think I'm going to start trying to make my own jewelery (not really complicated things), along with my lofty goals of cooking, crocheting, knitting, taking and editing photos, and making things from magazines. Someday, I think it'd be really cool to make a quilt too. So maybe I'll do that. Or maybe I won't. Time will tell. God and school and life come first, but I'm pretty sure if I didn't zone in front of the TV I could get a lot done. TV is still okay, but it's those hours where I don't even really care about what's on, but still watch. Those are the problem times that I think I can be more productive with.

So there's your hodgepodge. Random stuff that's going on in my head and in my life.

Who Is Driving the Car of Your Life?

You may have heard the nice little saying, "If God is your co-pilot, change seats". The point of the phrase (as I understand it) is to help people understand that our lives are to be "living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God" -Hebrews 12:1, and to understand that we shouldn't be living for ourselves. However, as a metaphor, I think it is overused, and more than that, I think there are better ways to get that point across.

Here's what that phrase connotates in my mind:
"You should sit in the passenger seat of your own life. Don't worry, God will do everything for you. Just go to sleep, live on auto-pilot, go to church, go to work, eat, sleep. You don't need to work for anything, or try to change things, God will do it for you."

This is not quite the philosophy I try to live my life by.

Instead, I think we need to find something that sends a message more like this:
"You are not a puppet being played by a puppet master. By leaping into life with God, you become more YOU, not a shell of a person or a less real person, but someone more real, more vibrant. God, through His spirit, is always there, and will guide you. He deeply desires a relationship with you, and has beautiful plans for you if you listen to Him speak, and let Him guide you. But each choice is still yours. You are not a robot, nor a passive audience member to your own life. God became enfleshed in the form of Jesus (and died and rose again) not in order to take our free will or freedom away, but to free us from sin. " It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." - Galatians 5:1.

It is my understanding that God wants to transform our lives, not take them away from us. He did not come to continue the legalistic and judgemental ways of the pharisees. Rather, he came to show us how to live in Love.

I understand the good intentions behind the God in the driver's seat phrase, but I don't feel like God wants to kick us out of our own lives. He created us in His image, and said that it was GOOD. While He wants us to love Him, and be in relationship with Him, but even then, I don't think that He wants us to take a passive approach to life, or feel like our being is somehow less. While some of our habits that push us away from God will have to be left, what fills the space, I hope, is not robotic obedience (if God had wanted that, I don't think He would have given us free will), but an intimate relationship.

So maybe we should understand that as we drive, God has a map, and so we can be sure that when we listen to him, we will be better off, and more on the right track on our journey than if we tried to find the way ourselves.

A Few Degrees of Difference

As I drove through the near icy weather today, I thought about the difference that a few degrees makes. Driving in the rain at 33 degrees is much different than driving in the rain at 31 degrees. That's not much of a difference. I don't think that I could identify that change just by feeling it. However, it makes a big difference. At 33 degrees, all the water stays water, but just two degrees down and all that water starts to freeze. And then there's ice.

I think we sometimes deal with the same thing in our lives. For good or bad, small changes we make or things we do can have a great affect. While we can never know the outcome of all our actions, think about how easy it can be to make someone's life better (or worse). While children sing the song "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," most of us realize that that's not true. Our words, and our actions, affect people. This verse from James talks about the power of our words.

"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be." - James 3:9-10

Small choices we make, like the choice to smile at someone, say hello, compliment them, care about them - these choices can make a difference.

As some unknown person once said,
“Be Kind. Everyone is fighting a hard battle.”

Often we get caught up in ourselves. Particularly here in America where we are taught that we are individuals, make it happen for yourself, don't depend on other people. We forget that as we go though rough times, so does everyone else.

Instead of being angry at the world for not being a better place, why don't we do something to change it?

Maybe just a few changes could make a big difference.

Do you think a few degrees of change make a difference?

I do know, however, that however much I try to be a better person on my own, however hard I try to love others deeply and see the world through the lens of love, I fail.

Which brings be to a thought. A memory. Way back in middle school, I was at a retreat. The speaker talked about God as he relates to geometry. Think about a triangle - one of the unequal ones. You have one vertical side, one horizontal side, and the hypotenuse connecting them. Think of the vertical line as representing our relationship with God, and the horizontal line as representing our relationship with other people. Often, when God wants to love other people, He wants to use us...so His love goes from Him, through us, to them. That is what we call the "hypotenuse of love." (It is necessary that you say this in a cheesy voice. Thanks)

I always think about that when I think about loving others. I try to remember that I can't do that without making sure that I am in relationship with my God, my Savior, my Father, my Friend. For that, I leave you with the words of Amena Brown:



With God's help, I believe that we can change the world.

Do you think a few degrees of change make a difference?

Reflection on Ropes

I'm a little bit scared of heights. Not terrified, but they make me nervous. More than that, for some reason, ladders scare me. It's okay to laugh. But really. They do. I can't even climb into my attic because the ladder creaks and moves a little, and it freaks me out..

So yesterday I was at this college retreat, which was awesome, and we did some high ropes. I like to conquer my fears, as shown by the months of therapy to get over my clinical phobia (I call it clinical to let you know it's real. A real, by the book, fits the criteria, phobia) of needles. Which I"m doing much better with. So, because I don't have a phobia of heights, I figured that I should be able to deal with high ropes.

For these ropes, first, you hive to climb up a latter set against a pole. For me, that thing was the scariest part of the whole thing. After you get to the large pole a lot like a telephone pole, you climb up these little stakes. Scary. I know you're strapped into a belay and you totally safe, but it's still scary being up that high. Then, you get to the top.

This ropes course is at a camp on a lake, so it's windy. Really windy at 40 feet high. More than you might expect. From the ground, I could see the poles sway a little in the wind, kinda like the traffic lights do when it's windy. So I knew it was real, and really came to grips with that reality at the top of the course. One of the challenges had you walk across a log with nothing to hold onto, and the other asked you to walk on a wire with a rope to hold onto. Both, to me, are intensely scary looking. But I ended up doing both. And I loved it. (granted, I didn't do the "leap of faith" that required you to stand on this little bitty pole way up in the air and not hold on to anything. no thanks). For the two I did, it stretched me, and it felt great.

I hope that will set the course for this year. Growing, and getting out of my comfort zone to discover the great things that God has for me, even if they look really scary at first. Most of the time, I feel, it's kinda like the ladder problem. For me, the hardest part of the ropes was climbing the ladder (granted, when I got to the top and the wind almost knocked me off, that was intimidating too). Often getting the momentum and jumping into something is the hardest thing to do. But once you get going, you realize, maybe it's not so bad as I expected. Hard, yeah. Scary, sometimes. But worrying about it, and building up that anticipation with fear keeps me from experiencing the life and plans God has for me sometimes.

So I encourage you: whatever your ladder is, whatever fear or habit or issue is holding you back or dictating your life, maybe it's time to jump into whatever is beyond it. I think of Hebrews 1:1-2 as it says "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith".

This new year, particularly, I've been thinking about being refreshed, and renewed by God, but this is true for anytime. It's time to stop setting my standards to be like everyone else, and let God change me into ME. I want to be who He created me to me, not anyone else.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." -Romans 12:1-2

I'm not really here.

Yeah, I'm not actually here today. I'm on this really awesome retreat with some really cool people, but I'll be back tomorrow. But because of advances in technology, you get to hear from me anyways.

Having a nephew in the house reminds me of my childhood. This Christmas he got a Mr. Potato head, and he loves it. But how time flies. I remember when he was just a baby, and he's not that much of a baby anymore. Later this year, I'll have another niece or nephew. And in a year and a half, three semesters from now, I'll be done with college. It goes by so fast.

Also FYI, I've also recently discovered a love for being crafty. I can now knit, crochet, and make cool things out of magazine pages. As the year goes on, I hope to add to that list.

Today I'm going to leave you with an entertaining minute: the Bible in a minute. Enjoy.

Making Coasters

So, I bought these coasters last year at the mall, and six of them cost me $20. Well, later in the year, I went shopping with my friend Holly, who wanted some as well, and we couldn't find them anywhere. With Christmas approaching, I decided to try to make some myself. I started out trying to copy the square, but was unsuccessful, so I decided to go with circles.















Here are the finished coasters that I made.














Pretty cool?














How To: If you want to make some, they take some time, but they're pretty easy. The coasters are made out of magazine pages, so I tore out some pages, and then cut them in half.















After that, I folded the pages to approximately a centimeter in width. Then I glued each of the folded pages and but them under a book to dry flat.

After they're dry, I put glue on one side of the strip, and roll the first one up. After that, I put glue on one side (what will be the inside) of the strip, and roll it around the others. Make sure that you always have pressure on the outside strip, or it will come off. Keep going till you have the size you want, and then keep pressure on all sides (rubber bands work well) until the glue dries.

My next project with this is going to be making a bowl. I'll let you know how it goes. and maybe some more pictures.

Welcome to 2009

Happy New Year Everyone!

I have a whole list of resolutions that I'm going to try to do better at this year, and updating this is one of them. Wish me luck.

Well here we are, entering another year. 2009. I can't believe 2008 is gone. This past year so much has happened, it's hard to imagine that it all fit into one year, and its also hard to comprehend that its already been a year. I spent the first part of the year studying abroad in Oxford, England. I traveled Europe, and found a deep, deep love for the city of Oxford that I don't think I will ever lose. I saw small bits of Ireland, Scotland, France, Spain, Germany, and Italy. It was an adventure of a lifetime.

Within weeks of leaving England, I left again, this time for Morelia, Mexico, where I spent six weeks of my summer. I learned that you can love people even when you don't speak the same language. I learned that I'm really awful at Spanish. But somehow, God worked it out.

Then a visit to family in Michigan, and back to Abilene for school. A Willie Nelson concert with my dad, a Spurs game with my friend Holly, watching my nephew grow up, laughing when I realized he though I lived in the computer, because that's how he talked to me. A whole semester's worth of ups and downs.

And now another year. More changes to come. Another niece or nephew. Excitement, and nervousness. The time goes by so fast, and as the time goes by, I find myself growing up. Somewhere, it feels, I've become more of an adult than a child. And while that's exciting, it's also scary. It's a great adventure.

So at the start of this new year, this new adventure, I know that I will continue to be molded and changed by God. I hope this year to put in place more productive habits, and to really live my life for the glory of God.

It has been brought to my attention in more and more ways how we as people are designed by God for harmony and wholeness. However, not many of us know what that would be like. I don't. But I am coming to understand how interconnected the whole matter is. Our minds affect our bodies and our bodies affect our minds. Our spiritual wellbeing can be reflected in our physical wellbeing and vise versa. 1 Thessalonians 5:23 demonstrates this when it says "May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Every part of us is called to holiness and wholeness. We are called to live holy and wholly. In body and mind. For me, this new years, that means taking better care of myself, in a healthy diet and exercise, getting organized, as well as spending more time with God, building deeper relationships with those I love, and learning to rest in God and be at peace. And, of course, learning how to solve a rubix cube.

I have a long list of wants for myself, but ultimately, I know that more than ever this year, I need to depend on God. For me, growing up comes with fighting off a lot of fears. But God is bigger that all of those fears. So here is my all-encompassing resolution for the new year:

Entrust myself to God each day, allowing him to mold me in His image, reach out to others, and each day to to live holy and wholly.