Hopefully I have a life again. *crossing fingers*

No lie, I just knocked on wood. I promise, I really did.

I'm so tired of being busy. I want peace in my life, and I have yet to figure out how to be busy and peaceful at the same time. There's always something more to do, and every time I check one thing off my to-do list, two more things appear.

But hopefully the worst is over.

And hopefully I can regain my creative outlets.

Maybe I'll take to painting polka dots. Or learn to do a cartwheel. Or play softball.
Maybe I'll finish my crochet projects and start the ones I really want to do.
Maybe I'll cook more.
Maybe I'll work on the miscellaneous crafting I want to do.
Maybe I'll do homework.
Maybe I'll blog or edit pictures.
Maybe I'll even take more pictures.
Who knows.

Hopefully I'll be creative in my dreams, and after that be creative here.

Baby See, Baby Do.

So I just have to share this picture.
That is me, eating dog bones with the dog.
As my parents laughed (I'm sure) and took pictures.
All in all it's a great picture though.

A Hiding Place

The music playing in the background swims into my sense stream, joining the flurry of sensations. Memories from just a few moments ago to many many years ago flow in and out of each other molding into a thought stream of my life. Like the slow-mo version of your life flashing before your eyes. As I look forward, it causes me to look back.

As a child, when I was angry or upset or frustrated or sad, I would go to my closet. Because I'm the opposite of claustrophobic and small places make me feel safe, I'd bring as much in my closet with me as I could. And sometimes, after fuming or crying, or whatever I needed, I would fall asleep. I felt safe there.

That's when my parents took this picture.

I was probably seven or eight.

In my journey to become an adult, I think the scariest thing is the lack of a safe place. Everything is different - the places I live every year, the people I meet, the classes I take. What used to seem unchangeable now changes really, really fast.

There's a prayer in the service of Compline (prayers at the end of the day) from the Book of Common Prayer (Anglican Prayer Book) that reaches out to me: "Be present, O merciful God, and protect us through the hours of this night [or day], so that we who are wearied by the changes and chances in this life may rest in your eternal changelessness; through Jesus Christ our Lord. AMEN."

While I miss my childhood hiding place, I know that I really only feel safe about it because it's in the past. The problems I faced as a child, though minor, seemed big then. I hope the same is true for today, that though some things seem big, they will work out, some way or another, and I'll realize that I've always had safe places to turn.

What is your safe place?

Favorites

So this is a post about favorites. It does not really apply to anything, except that I felt like thinking about my favorite things, much like Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music. Like raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Except not that. (Warning: this could be a visually over-stimulating post. You are now fairly warned.)

So on to some favorites.

Abstract Artist:
So, I'm not really so much into the abstract art movement. In general. However, one abstract artist - I love. Wassily Kandinsky. Something about his paintings connects with me, which I didn't really think would happen with abstract art. I'm still skeptical, but I do like his work.



Small furry breathing thing:
My cat who has just now forgiven me for leaving him to go to college, just as I leave again.

Photographer:
Okay, so I have a lot, I really like photography, but Ansel Adams is really awesome.


Christmas Song:
Thanks to Paul for enlightening me to this wonderful song and group.
Straight No Chaser - 12 Days of Christmas


Random Collectibles:
Willow Tree figurines, or whatever you call them. I'm trying to stop collecting random things, and haven't yet started to collect these, but it's tempting sometimes. Thus far I've resisted, but if I do decide to collect something again, it'll probably be these.

Obscure Old Testament Passage:
Yeah, I like a lot of these too...but this one's my favorite at the moment:


(The photo and the editing are my own.)

Comfort Food:
Kashi cookies or frozen fruit.

Type of plant:
Bonsai Trees. I'm a little bit obsessed. Just a little bit though.

Some thoughtful posts will come later. I'm thinking of maybe some random trivia at a later point as well. Thoughts?

And just so I don't leave without saying anything interesting, I've been wondering about this: I very much want to simply my life, and rid myself of my inherited pack rat ways, but like all bad habits, have been finding the pattern hard to break. I know my life would be calmer and more relaxed without clutter, but I have a hard time clearing it out sometimes. They say that our homes or personal spaces reflect our souls, and vice versa. And I believe it. I feel sometimes like my soul is kinda cluttered, and needs some cleaning out, as I just keep putting stuff in, and not organizing well or cleaning things out.

So think about that - do you think it's true? Do our souls and spaces relate to each other? If they do, how do you go about changing things?

Hodgepodge of Five

1. For a long time I've been doing pretty well with the diet suggested to me by my D.O. (Doctor of Osteopathy). This diet, among other things, consists of no white processed flour, no sugar, and no caffeine. However, tonight, as I was shopping at dinner time, and hungry, I bought a package of Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate with mint filling. Let that be a reminder, never go shopping by yourself when you're hungry. It doesn't end up well. However, I should get back on track with my new food processor and blender (yay!) and my plan to make blueberry muffins from scratch with wheat flour (we'll see how that turns out).

2. Have you ever had a mood you just can't describe accurately? I had one of those moods, and then had it play out in front of me. So here's the story that describes the mood: I was out watching my nephew play in the front yard when a school bus pulled onto our street. It was big, and it made a lot of noise, and he's only 20 months. When he saw the bus come toward us, he turned toward me, his eyes big and worried, and ran up the sidewalk, grabbing my leg for security as the bus drove up. I have felt like that recently. Life looms at you and makes some scary noises, and I wish I was small enough that I could hide behind the leg of someone who would make it all alright. (Granted, I know that I can turn to God, but he never promises to make it all alright, just that He'll be there no matter what.) Sometimes I wish all of my hurts could be fixed with a hug and a kiss, like the problems of my sweet baby nephew.

3. Speaking of children, I'm in search of a Children's book. All this semester in school we studied the DISC personality model (Dominant, Influencing, Steady, and Cautious) it just recently hit me that one of my favorite books as a child was based off of that model to help kids figure out their personality. The book is The Treasure Tree: Helping Kids Understand Their Personality. I remember a little about the book, which follows the four animals - Lion, Otter, Golden Retriever, and Beaver - on their adventure to find the key to the treasure tree. It turns out that the key is made up of four small keys, and each of the animals needs to find one. Conveniently, each key is achieved by using the best of each personality, and then the keys are put together, teaching kids that the personality types worked together. I remember as a child knowing my favorite animal, and then realizing just in the past week that it corresponded to the personality style I have now.

4. Since realizing that, I've also decided to start collecting other Children's books that I someday want in my children's library, like:
Brown Bear, Brown Bear,
The Giving Tree,
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day,
Dr. Seuss Books,
The Very Hungry Caterpillar, and
Goodnight Moon.

These books are particularly dear to me, because reading was my favorite thing as a child. These were some of my favorites. What was your favorite thing to do as a child? Has any of that nostalgia come back yet?

5. Also, I think I'm going to start trying to make my own jewelery (not really complicated things), along with my lofty goals of cooking, crocheting, knitting, taking and editing photos, and making things from magazines. Someday, I think it'd be really cool to make a quilt too. So maybe I'll do that. Or maybe I won't. Time will tell. God and school and life come first, but I'm pretty sure if I didn't zone in front of the TV I could get a lot done. TV is still okay, but it's those hours where I don't even really care about what's on, but still watch. Those are the problem times that I think I can be more productive with.

So there's your hodgepodge. Random stuff that's going on in my head and in my life.

Who Is Driving the Car of Your Life?

You may have heard the nice little saying, "If God is your co-pilot, change seats". The point of the phrase (as I understand it) is to help people understand that our lives are to be "living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God" -Hebrews 12:1, and to understand that we shouldn't be living for ourselves. However, as a metaphor, I think it is overused, and more than that, I think there are better ways to get that point across.

Here's what that phrase connotates in my mind:
"You should sit in the passenger seat of your own life. Don't worry, God will do everything for you. Just go to sleep, live on auto-pilot, go to church, go to work, eat, sleep. You don't need to work for anything, or try to change things, God will do it for you."

This is not quite the philosophy I try to live my life by.

Instead, I think we need to find something that sends a message more like this:
"You are not a puppet being played by a puppet master. By leaping into life with God, you become more YOU, not a shell of a person or a less real person, but someone more real, more vibrant. God, through His spirit, is always there, and will guide you. He deeply desires a relationship with you, and has beautiful plans for you if you listen to Him speak, and let Him guide you. But each choice is still yours. You are not a robot, nor a passive audience member to your own life. God became enfleshed in the form of Jesus (and died and rose again) not in order to take our free will or freedom away, but to free us from sin. " It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." - Galatians 5:1.

It is my understanding that God wants to transform our lives, not take them away from us. He did not come to continue the legalistic and judgemental ways of the pharisees. Rather, he came to show us how to live in Love.

I understand the good intentions behind the God in the driver's seat phrase, but I don't feel like God wants to kick us out of our own lives. He created us in His image, and said that it was GOOD. While He wants us to love Him, and be in relationship with Him, but even then, I don't think that He wants us to take a passive approach to life, or feel like our being is somehow less. While some of our habits that push us away from God will have to be left, what fills the space, I hope, is not robotic obedience (if God had wanted that, I don't think He would have given us free will), but an intimate relationship.

So maybe we should understand that as we drive, God has a map, and so we can be sure that when we listen to him, we will be better off, and more on the right track on our journey than if we tried to find the way ourselves.

A Few Degrees of Difference

As I drove through the near icy weather today, I thought about the difference that a few degrees makes. Driving in the rain at 33 degrees is much different than driving in the rain at 31 degrees. That's not much of a difference. I don't think that I could identify that change just by feeling it. However, it makes a big difference. At 33 degrees, all the water stays water, but just two degrees down and all that water starts to freeze. And then there's ice.

I think we sometimes deal with the same thing in our lives. For good or bad, small changes we make or things we do can have a great affect. While we can never know the outcome of all our actions, think about how easy it can be to make someone's life better (or worse). While children sing the song "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me," most of us realize that that's not true. Our words, and our actions, affect people. This verse from James talks about the power of our words.

"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be." - James 3:9-10

Small choices we make, like the choice to smile at someone, say hello, compliment them, care about them - these choices can make a difference.

As some unknown person once said,
“Be Kind. Everyone is fighting a hard battle.”

Often we get caught up in ourselves. Particularly here in America where we are taught that we are individuals, make it happen for yourself, don't depend on other people. We forget that as we go though rough times, so does everyone else.

Instead of being angry at the world for not being a better place, why don't we do something to change it?

Maybe just a few changes could make a big difference.

Do you think a few degrees of change make a difference?

I do know, however, that however much I try to be a better person on my own, however hard I try to love others deeply and see the world through the lens of love, I fail.

Which brings be to a thought. A memory. Way back in middle school, I was at a retreat. The speaker talked about God as he relates to geometry. Think about a triangle - one of the unequal ones. You have one vertical side, one horizontal side, and the hypotenuse connecting them. Think of the vertical line as representing our relationship with God, and the horizontal line as representing our relationship with other people. Often, when God wants to love other people, He wants to use us...so His love goes from Him, through us, to them. That is what we call the "hypotenuse of love." (It is necessary that you say this in a cheesy voice. Thanks)

I always think about that when I think about loving others. I try to remember that I can't do that without making sure that I am in relationship with my God, my Savior, my Father, my Friend. For that, I leave you with the words of Amena Brown:



With God's help, I believe that we can change the world.

Do you think a few degrees of change make a difference?